They don’t just miss sex, the act. They miss the feeling of connection, playfulness and renewal that sex allows them… The surge of erotic energy that marks our aliveness.”
These defining words from her introduction set the stage for Esther Perel’s provocative book, Mating in Captivity.
“Can we desire what we already have?” Perel asks. This question strikes at the root of all relationships. It’s a topic that The Sensualogist will approach many times and from many angles, as it’s raw and basic to our fulfillment as a sexual being.
I am fortunate as my quest towards savoring sex leads me to new people, enlightenment, and clarity. Yet during a long-term relationship, just hitting the refresh button can really spice things up. Forget for a minute all the things you know now, and flash back to your first stages of infatuation.
“Intimacy does not always make for good sex,” Perel argues. In the beginning, the whole relationship, sex included, is filled with fantasies. “Climb a mountain together, build a gorgeous home, make babies, cocoon under the sheets, talk, f**k, talk,“ she reminds us. But then familiarity sets in. You have memorized what will happen in any encounter. You are comfy, and there is no mystery.
“Too much closeness impedes desire,” Perel taunts. “Your high resulted from the uncertainty, and now by seeking to harness it, you wind up draining the vitality out of the relationship”.
Take another look at your man in his element. Step aside and watch him work the crowd, fix a broken anything or wow at the BBQ. Imagine what attracted you in the first place. Coax him to make those wild suggestions for a late night on the town or a romp on the beach or in the kitchen. Restore creativity and your capacity for play and pleasure so you can reconnect. Try things a newish way.
Perel does point out that “Not all lovers seek passion, or even at one time basked in it. Some relationships originate in feelings of nurturance and the parties chose to remain in these calmer waters.”
The Sensualogist is open to all situations and dynamics as sexual relations are complex. But for those of you who want to rock your relationship, shake it up! : )
To learn more about this book and other recommendations, visit the bookshop.
