“You may be out of touch with your own desire, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there,” confirms Jill Blakeway in her excellent how-to book, Sex Again. Some women worry that they’re broken or will never feel desire for sex again. But sensuality and desire are feelings few of us forget or abandon.
“Having sex makes people – and their relationships – healthier and happier. Having sex literally makes love,” Blakeway reminds us. Sex is good for us, it’s love – even if it’s self-love, by yourself, without a partner. To have sex again, you need to start having sex in some form.
A board-certified acupuncturist, clinical herbalist, and New York Times dubbed “fertility goddess” for her best seller, Making Babies, Blakeway has heard it all. What’s the number one reason that one in three women report a lack of interest in sex? Life stress. “The relationship between sex and stress goes deep. Sex often becomes just one more thing on the to-do list, one more chore, one more occasion to be under pressure to perform.” She notes.
Yet it’s a vicious circle. Sex is great for pressure release, but without it your energy isn’t moving. If your energy isn’t flowing, you feel tired and can’t possibly feel sexy. This is the trifecta that Sex Again tackles.
Blakeway’s holistic teachings and treatments revolve around Eastern thought and wisdom surrounding Qi (pronounced CHEE), which is the essential energy flow of the body. Yin/yang make up Qi and a yin/yang imbalance causes Qi to stagnate. Nourishing yin makes you feel sexy. Boosting yang makes you feel lively. It’s a dynamic balance. Blakeway reminds us how “Yin and yang are not two types of energy, but rather different aspects of one energy source”.
To start the journey towards being more sexual, Blakeway prompts us to be open minded, present and face up to any avoidance. She states, “Being stuck is a way of avoiding what we don’t want to deal with, whether it’s a relationship issue or a traumatic memory. If things get stuck in your life, or your relationship, or your head, they will get stuck in your body as well. And vice versa.”
Blakeway maps some characteristics of Yin: “For women, physical arousal is very yin: it’s all about lubrication and receptivity. A lot of arousal happens in the mind: You have to think sexy, and think of yourself as sexy.” Without enough yin, the body becomes very dry – including a telltale lack of the moisture (lubrication) that signals sexual arousal. Another typical sign is a lack of self-nurturing, which often shows up as some form of negative image. Increasing yin improves self-acceptance, including positive body image, which is a boon to sexual desire.”
“Where your mind goes your Qi follows,” she emphasizes. The Sensualogist totally agrees with Blakeway as she reinforces the mind/body connection. Just reading or thinking about sex for 5 minutes helps! Plus leaving the house with a positive, accepting, open mind and body will allow sensual as well as sexual energy to be rewarded. Smiles and good vibes are contagious; they make body energy flow, and promote vitality and well-being.
Regarding the qualities of yang, she writes: “It is yang energy from either partner that initiates sexual intimacy. Yang is considered active, fast, stimulating and energizing. When everything is in balance, women who tend to get low yang are caring, nurturing, and levelheaded. When things get out of whack, though, they may get gloomy, or shut down, or get passive. Boosting yang will restore balance and in so doing improve general energy levels – and revive libido.”
In Sex Again, Blakeway helps you chart yourself on the yin/yang continuum and gives various exercises to move Qi, nourish yin and boost yang. She helps move us through the blocks that can get in the way using simple to-do lists, quizzes, and some explicit, proven techniques. Awaken your desire and pleasure, and rekindle your sex life. “Just do it,” she winks.
To learn more about this book and other recommendations, visit the bookshop.