Hero or Villain

Issue #52

By Vivienne Arkell

What can I say, I wanted what he had and he wanted me. Always ready for action, Aaron personified the masculine sexual energy I needed to disrupt all the linear thinking in my orderly mind. Don’t get me wrong, he was quite capable of being polite, thoughtful and gentle. But it was year two of our foray into pleasure and semi commitment: the cards were about to turn.

 I could be a strong leader or a team player, depending on the crowd and situation. Aaron loved these qualities in me and seemed quite infatuated with an older woman who could make her own decisions and own her sexuality. Yet as Aaron became utterly assured of his prowess between the sheets, a new game commenced.

I’m not sure if it was too much togetherness, but we both snarled about feeling trapped and controlled. How could both of us be there, when neither one of us was doing the chasing? I did enjoy my autonomy and might have flaunted independence, distancing myself from Aaron in his eyes.

Actually, Aaron’s passion was plenty for both of us. I didn’t have to show my desire for him or how much I enjoyed our connection. I felt there was an unspoken understanding that we could enjoy both our space and coming together sexually.

Sharing secret aspects of myself with Aaron was freeing. He in turn unleashed his darker fantasies on me. At first it seemed like we were opening ourselves to more closeness with these intimate confessions. I interpreted Aaron’s desire to dominate the dance as blossoming confidence and desire for me. But had my unintentional distancing made this pursuer overzealous instead? Was a quick slap or hands clasped around my neck a sign of sharing and intimacy? For Aaron to feel desired and worthwhile, would he need to increase his Dom moves and actually possess me, mind and body?

Vulnerable yet uncommitted, I danced a thin line; almost welcoming trouble. Was something fundamentally warm and good about to turn evil? Was I about to go from fearless female to sex slave?

The more I ran the more he chased. Abuse me more, confuse me more. Did we like this convoluted game of cat and mouse, hero or villain? Hmmm.

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