An encounter with me, on a date with myself. Looking deeply into the mirror, observing and revealing, it’s lived and shared so that you too can observe yourself deeply.
“No resolutions” I said to the mirror, standing naked in front of it, “just enjoy me time.”
On the heels of the new year, my inbox was chock-full of advice, but none of it resonated. My main fascination was finding out I was INTJ on the Myer-Briggs personality scale. It’s sort of rare for females and it says much about why I always want to dissect and analyze everything, even sensuality, and why I sometimes stay in my head too much during sex.
Needless to say, as an architect type and planner, I was also fascinated with how many terms there are for RE-doing, starting again, or having a new awakening. Awaken is of course one of The Sensualogist’s key areas of focus. Revamp, restore, realign, reset.
“Ah yes, perfect. Reset,” I told myself proudly. Sounds easy, like I could just hit a button, right? I set the mood in my room with lights on dim, the scent of sandalwood, moss and juniper on my pillows, a piece of chocolate, and some yummy red wine. After a hot bath, I slid my naked body in between the luxurious sheets, ready for my encounter.
Flashing back, I reminisced about Saturday night at the chic Clocktower Bar in lower Manhattan. How I felt my face, flushed and bashful, when that inquisitive stranger smiled slyly at me. I liked being approachable, giving a stranger permission to smile back. Not to bring his body too close or stay in my space too long, but permission to feel my warmth, human and sensual. I knew he saw the flirtatious twinkle and smile in my eyes before he was whisked away by his friends.
I so wanted to enjoy the life around me. I wanted to feel desire again. To be desired by a man, I knew I had to first desire myself.
“Vivi, reconnect with your body.” I whispered, dimming the pendant lamp to its lowest setting. The giant, firm pillow against my breasts and tummy felt foreign and strange, almost unwelcoming. The sheets were silky against my back side, while the light outside was that chilly winter-blue tone, but the lamp was a warm and blissful color.
“F*ck Vivi, shut your brain off. Quit overthinking this moment. Just enjoy your body and the sensations of fingers across your nipples, over your bush, across your face, lips and neck.”
The iPod changed to ambient music and my ex-lover Drew immediately came into mind’s eye. Interactions were buzzy yet flowing and relaxed. Two people communicating through much more than words, through our bodies and emotions. I was next to his naked body again. My attention level was super elevated, as I was present and open to his advances. Finally, judgment and analysis ceased and I began to realize a fluid flow of energy in the room and starting in my body. Leaving logic and planning behind, the sensations from rubbing my tummy and thighs were my only focus.
After twenty minutes or so of stroking and sensory play, energy had finally moved totally out of my mind and into my hips and V. Awareness and final preparations for my own seduction and orgasm were in place. Tingling sexual energy resonated in my hips. “Just surrender woman,” I begged myself. “Just surrender and flow with it. Follow through and be proud and loud here babe!” I said, coaxing myself. “Fly away and enjoy your senses and the ride.”
Responsible only for my own senses and sensuality, I managed to reconnect with myself – my V, my yoni. I felt newly safe and natural in this vulnerable state. Creating space in my life to honor my sensual self, I’m now open to reconnecting with another lover. Connected to my true, inner self and engaged with the world, rather than feeling alone and just surviving.
Looking back, that’s exactly what I did when my magnetic female energy felt stolen from me. After pouting and sustaining years in a sexual vacuum, I emerged through an awakening. I embraced sensuality and renewed and reclaimed my female power and passion. My journey continues as I connect daily, savoring my sensuality, reaping the benefits of being a sensualist, and sharing thought provoking inspiration to encourage others.
Now it’s your turn. Begin your journey towards a practice to reconnect, savoring sex and sensuality.
Image inspired by Henri Matisse’s “Blue Nudes.”