Counting on Pleasure, not Orgasms

Surrender to great sex, even without mega-orgasms

Issue #26

By Vivienne Arkell

How many orgasms have you had in the last year? Are you one of the lucky ones that have them every time you share self-love? Kudos. You can skip this article if they also happen regularly during partner sex. But otherwise, read on.

How many candies do you need to make you orgasmically happy or satiated? Will you count each of these yummy morsels as a tiny ‘O’ or are you craving super-duper gourmet chocolates? Quit searching for perfection and stop counting! You’re having chocolates for goodness sake, and hopefully sex too. Life is grand.

In musings, I often spill the beans. Today I’ll be confessing more than usual, as orgasm is a topic dear to my heart. Orgasms can be elusive, even for sensualists. They are vastly different for every woman and even from one sexual encounter to the next. Perhaps that’s why The Sensualogist shares concepts of sensuality and naked time more often than covering the mechanics of sex.

For the first twenty some years of my sexual life, I recall a handful of big O’s. I experienced one consisting of a body flush, euphoria and a warm afterglow, alone, with no touching at all. I also had a few climaxes during fantasies, even without genital touching. But do these count? At a certain age, when a partner was introduced into the equation for necking and more, I would get incredibly worked up. Yet did I gasp in ecstasy or experience anything extraordinary, besides always getting seriously wet and having secret contractions?

One real orgasm that I remember well took place during an accidental quickie with a neighbor – after which I broke out crying in emotional confusion. Another one happened having makeup sex with my then fiancé’ after an uber-emotional night seeing a college lover. Two more mega memorable climaxes also resulted in near meltdowns with escaping tears.

So must they always be monumental occurrences for me to register them as orgasms? Hmmm.

The circle theory of sexual response says we repeat pleasurable experiences and orgasms aren’t necessary for pleasure. I fully agree. I’ve always loved sex and expressing myself sexually. Waves of pleasure overtake my body, filling me with love and desire for my partner. Marriage problems put a kibosh on my libido for some years, but after the divorce and my awakening, it was fairly easy for me to get back to sharing naked pleasure.

I’ll personally confirm that women don’t need to be highly orgasmic to have fun. When orgasms do shake me, it’s absolutely cool. But I no longer hold my breath expecting an earthquake or whopper to come my way. I accept climaxes in any form: intense or mellow, unexpected or lingering, explosive or quiet.

Do we yearn for the big gourmet chocolate when a bag of tiny Reese’s or M&M’s can make us happy? All those bursts of happiness can add up to super satisfaction just the same. In an hour of play, my waves of pleasure add up to more than a score of 10. But who’s counting?


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