Create Your Own Sexual Narrative

You are what you think

Issue #37

By Vivienne Arkell

Did you ever stop to think how your opinion of yourself shapes how others see you? With sexuality, as with life, your narrative is your story. It’s what you choose to show and tell others (about yourself and your life) that reveals how you want others to see you. Then this determines how you are perceived. And if you secretly believe you are unsexy, too old, or undesirable? Your own personal narrative could become a self-fulfilling prophecy and undermine your sexual satisfaction. 

How we see our sexual self is incredibly important to enriching our relationships and enhancing sex. Looking into the mirror, you might acknowledge having great curves or alluring eyes. Now compliment your mind, and embrace the mantra,‘I own my sexuality and my love life.’ Begin to visualize the sensual life you want to live.

Marty Klein PhD, author of best-seller Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex – and How to Get It, explains the sexually intelligent mind’s story as one “of personal adequacy, of presence, of connection, of sufficiency, of agency and ownership of your own body, of relaxation (whether you’re excited or not), and of acceptance (of things as they are rather than as you imagine or fear them).”

Klein adds that a knowing narrative also includes the ability of “not caring about what isn’t important. Of course, first you have to decide what that is. Then you need the self-discipline to ignore it, even when others value it and it seems to beckon you.” Overcoming any self-critical voices in your head is a big step, as they will sabotage your ability to be sensual, open and sharing.

Rather than focusing on inadequacy or ineligibility based on an elusive climax, relaxed breasts, or other self-imposed shortcomings, creating and shaping your personal narrative involves relearning pleasure patterns and choosing to confirm the positive things going on in your relationship and the bedroom. Remember to choose to learn and grow, staying open newness and change.

Eric Maisel PhD, author, coach and creator of the audio program Your Best Mind Ever, helps clarify the concept of visualization and narrative. In the preface for his course, it’s hinted that Maisel “zeros in on the inner dialog that goes on [in our heads,] employing a powerful metaphor that captures the essence of how your mind works.” One of his more popular techniques for clearing your thoughts is to envision installing some windows in the mind. A satisfied student summarized the feeling, saying “I love the idea of having windows of the mind – with a fresh breeze flowing through from different scenes and places. It is so true that it gets stuffy inside. But allowing new, vibrant air from different places is an effective way to see and experience things afresh.”

Sexual narratives answer fundamental questions about who we are and how we got that way. Let some fresh air in, carrying your positive narrative. Love your body, your mind and soul. Affirm that you are sensual to enjoy naked time alone and with your partner, so no one’s opinion will control or negatively shape your sexuality. Open your mind to visualization and embrace the value of sensuality, your fresh narrative, and the new you.

Image: Henri Matisse (detail)


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