The Newly Sexy Club

Embracing passion again in midlife

Issue #27

By Vivienne Arkell

Are you newly enlightened yet nervous about becoming sexual again? “Join the club (the Secretly Sexy Club)” chimes Vivienne Cass PhD, author of The Elusive Orgasm. “Like you, many women start to feel much sexier inside as they get older, but are afraid to tell their partner.”

There are so many great reasons to awaken and indulge in your sensuality. Maturity has given you confidence to explore. Perhaps you have new inspiration about female sexual pleasure gleaned from Fifty Shades of Grey movies, erotic readings, or sophisticated female-oriented porn. Maybe the kids are out of the house and you are feeling refreshed. Your curious mind is re-focusing on you with personal readings, journaling, and self-love. You’re expanding your own practice and savoring sensuality.

But how do you break it to a partner? “If you’ve been seen in bed as sensible, quiet, rational, unassertive, demure, easygoing, controlled, unemotional, or not particularly interested, it can be scary to consider showing another side of your character,” Cass confirms. If you also are changing outside the bedroom to a freer more positive you, your partner might seem threatened – making it even more difficult to expose the newer, sexual you. Be strong. The Sensualogist believes that feeling resentful is worse than honestly and playfully expressing the new you. Start with an old fashioned necking session!

Do you worry about your body? Some concerns about your sexuality might be overblown, notes Michael S. Broder, PhD in the Huffington Post. If you find yourself saying “I worry my sexual partner might not find me attractive.” Broder suggests that you replace unrealistic beliefs with ones that serve you, such as “this person is expressing interest in being intimate with me, so where’s the evidence that he or she is not attracted to me?” Follow your urges to be sensual and sexual. Exploring with a new partner can be stressful, but rely on your strengths and wisdom. Focus on confidence as your single best asset. Breaking out with a new lover is exhilarating and worth the risk.

It’s also time to worry less about others’ opinions. Are you unconsciously protecting your partner’s ego by taming your own passion? When you are committed, it doesn’t mean you’re supposed to give up the wild sexual intensity you had when single or when you were young. Also, parents often desexualize each other. Broder reminds us that sexuality is an important part of life, even if it has felt dormant for a while. “By refusing to let your fears and anxieties get in the way, you can open yourself to many new, exciting and pleasurable experiences!” He enthuses for emphasis. There are many excuses for holding back, yet your personal happiness will positively affect the happiness of others. Experiencing sensual moments will add increased pleasure for all involved.

Midlife is time to try something new. Your forties and fifties present you with a rich summary of the past, handing you the possibility and permission to experience the next segment of life in a modified version of the first. Get that blood literally flowing through everything. Embrace and show off your newly sexy, sensual self. Shine and share your renewed passion for love and lust.

To learn more about these books and other recommendations, visit the bookshop.

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