Enriching Effects of Sexual Intelligence

Free yourself by creating new rhythms

Issue #36

By Vivienne Arkell

“[Sexual Intelligence is] what gets you from hormone-driven sex to sex you choose. It’s what gets you from “sex has to validate me” to “I validate my sexuality.” It’s what allows you to adapt sex to yourself, instead of you adapting to sex.”

Sexual Intelligence isn’t about techniques or performance. When the hormonal urges of sexual desire start to wane, the mind kicks in but not always in positive ways. In Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex – and How to Get It, certified sex therapist and author Marty Klein PhD reveals how shaping our mindset during sex is way more important than any tricks.

“When we are sexually dissatisfied, we typically don’t look at our Sexual Intelligence. We try to fix the wrong things – erections, orgasms, lubrication, an aging body – but even if these fixes are successful, that usually doesn’t make the sex more enjoyable.”

According to therapist (and best-selling author of She Comes First) Ian Kerner PhD, lack or mismatched desire is the number one reason couples come to him for sex counseling or therapy. From the Sexual Intelligence perspective endorsed by Kerner, Klein along with many other therapists and scholars, your mind, your relationship with yourself and your body are the three integral parts of understanding desire. Klein’s wisdom lays out a simple equation for creating Sexual Intelligence and new sexual styles or rhythms. 

“Information + Emotional skills + Body awareness = Sexual Intelligence”

In a weekly blog for CNN’s The Chart, Kerner adds that “many of us get our sexual information from all the wrong sources. Men too often rely on porn and tall tales of the locker room, or on the responses of women who are all-too willing to fake it rather than put their true desires in the foreground; whereas women often rely on the sound bytes that proliferate talk shows.”

Communicating empathetically and with emotional fluency plus practicing sensual body flow exercises are key topics that The Sensualogist has addressed and continues to share on this website.

Yet how does this trio make sex more enriching? When you become informed and confident, you can “create and maintain desire in a situation that’s less than perfect” says Klein. You curate the ability for “curiosity and open-mindedness about the meaning of pleasure, closeness and satisfaction; and the ability to adjust when things don’t go as expected.”

Kerner too reminds that “People change. Relationships change. Why shouldn’t sex?” Having Sexual Intelligence frees the mind and body by allowing us to question current attitudes. It’s all about finding fresh approaches, emotional openness and new sensations.

Sexual Intelligence helps you figure out what questions to ask and how to find information to grow sensually and avoid lackluster sex – leading to creativity and freedom of mind and body. Reframe how you think about sex, and experience a truly different, more enlightened way of being sensual and sexual.


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