It started just like any of my other naked romps – with the basic urge to share my body, feel connected and get my energy unstuck and flowing. Yet after our second date, the bond between Troy and I was unquestionable. Still soaring months later, I had to share what was going on. So I met up with my friend Anne for the shakedown.
“It’s truly been a summer of love,” I murmured flashing a sly grin from ear to ear.
“Sounds hot and I’m a little jealous, but it’s only summer lust and you know it!” Anne clapped back. “More like if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with” she sang from the classic tune of our youth. “But steamy infatuation isn’t love… it’s just chemical romance.” She scoffed.
“Well, I’m not in love yet, but the sex is different and feels like love, really making love, whatever you want to call it,” I pleaded trying to rationalize and explain. “I’m not anxious, giddy, or nervous about hanging on his words. I can truly be me and get out of my head. Meshing for hours feels so loving that it touches me deep to the core.”
“Right Vivi, cuz someone you met finally knows how to f*** deep!” Anne blurted, winking while chuckling at her word play.
Anne and I would always be at different ends of the spectrum on love vs. sex. High levels of emotional connection and sharing can be toxic if left in the wrong hands. Plus, I understood how having your armor on makes sense for an empath like Anne.
We had made love, soul touching and authentic, before we were technically in love.
“If it feels like love with no boundaries, why do we need to set them?” I pleaded.
Not wanting to accept Anne’s brushoff that sex on its own couldn’t be classified or didn’t count as love, I tried to talk it out with myself. Some entries from my journal follow:
“… Sex with my new guy makes me question all other lovers. Unstuck and unarmed, I don’t think I have ever surrendered so fully! I was so outta my head I barely remember how or what we did naked all evening. We stopped and started, ebbing and flowing for hours. Passionate, wild, total body flow and somatic freedom. Wow.
The craving, and gazing deep into each other’s eyes for almost a minute at a time seems like some energetic life force we’re sharing. I bet guys never do that unless they are really in the moment or have nothing to hide. So completely new for me. Maybe it’s because he too shares the out of body sensations and energy… and the eager desire to do anything for this person since they are doing EVERYTHING to ensure your pleasure? I’ve only been at this point with two other guys in my whole life – Gary and Mark. It feels like love embodied… I really don’t think it’s just lust.”
“Each move he made into a new position seemed guided by a cosmic force. Even with no obvious plan, he moved gracefully and purposefully. Pacing himself to my body’s silent requests, the communication and connection in our rhythm was insane. Penetration felt tantric as his member filled and relaxed in synch with my V’s waves of pleasure.”
“I’m starting to realize why this sexual love feels new for me – because its mutual and Troy feels it too. What I see in him is a mirror image of the lover in me. He notices all of me the way I notice and want all of him. Bouncing reflections of ourselves off each other like we’re in a tunnel of mirrors.
He revs up the emotional flow within my body, and joined we’re emotionally alive and flying. During our time naked, we feel safe together, full of admiration and trust. Our inner rhythms are meshed and totally in synch. Troy has a special gift for a guy… one of few who can share emotion and heart freely, nourishing me while sharing his body openly with abandon. Or maybe we two are just free together trusting that sex is emotion?”
Maybe it wasn’t forever love. But it was dedicated love, romantic love, soulful love making. Why shouldn’t this sex count as authentic love?
It was sex that felt like love.