“I thought you felt sex was mainly an activity, and not about emotion?” Queried Anne, totally baffled by my new interest in sex as an actual flow of emotion. Her bewilderment was understood. I had the same number of lovers in the past year as Anne had experienced in fifty-plus years. She was a ‘love before sex’ kind of person.
After a deep sigh I replied. “OK, let me try to clarify. I need to feel the raw physical connection before I can develop deep feelings. And actually my most memorable lovers have each touched me by sharing unique emotional moments.” I had experienced deep intimacy with quite a few lovers, but only felt authentic love maybe three times in my life? This new enlightenment was really challenging to quantify!
I had to say my favorite romps were with Mark, when it was definitely always playtime. Like two teens who just discovered sex, our euphoric naked time together was silly, surprising, and carefree. He made me feel as if there were no boundaries, no endgame. We were childlike in expressing and acting out every mood that came to surface. And like children, we were easily pleased and overjoyed by the most simple and everyday experiences, moments and things. Who could argue? If anything upset us, we were able to shake off the negative feelings, let it go and move back to playing.
“See, I knew I wasn’t far off” Anne boasted claiming victory. “It was just a game, it wasn’t love.”
“Who said sex had to express only loving emotion,” I countered. “And if you want that, there’s Gary.”
My sexual awakening with Gary was intimacy times one thousand. The energy bond between us was palpable to all. Coming off a twenty-year marriage between friends, feeling both emotionally and sexually connected was new for me and insane at the same time. Our intense exploration and desire to know everything about each other and able to truly feel everything in harmony was amazing but also emotionally draining. Real love at its best and worst.
“And explain Aaron. You’d rather that than another Gary? Who the f* knows what emotions he was sharing.” Anne opined describing some not so pretty scenarios I had accidentally leaked to her.
I knew why Anne was taunting me here. After a few years of a mediocre relationships, I had fallen upon a young stud who worshipped me. Over years of exciting ups and downs through puppy love, lust and loathing, Aaron’s emotional game had turned to controlling, demeaning and belittling me into total submission. I have never been fond of roller coasters, so even during years of emoting I stayed strong and became exceptionally resilient. Embracing the dark side of sexual relations helped me to accept the apprehension I had. Through knowledge and understanding, any fears weakened and I was no longer afraid or controlled by them, or him. Anne thinks there is a book to come on this. Hmmm.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smarter and stronger,” I said. Anne shook her head, agreeing distastefully but relieved I got out unharmed.
After a few minutes of silence to clear the generally negative spirits from the air, I boastfully confided to Anne about my newest journey – an emotion filled romance.
My new story is playing out with each evening together presenting its own varied chapter of emotions. Some nights my sweetie and I are sensual and curious. Other evenings are open to more primal expressions and feelings. Which combo of emotions will actually surface, and remain in our memories, is the great fun and mystery of sex.